Satisfied??

If you’re involved in Campus Crusades at all you probably see this question a lot. It’s part of a booklet that shows people how God and Christ are the only way to be truly satisfied. It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at the booklet. I don’t even have it here. But recently it’s come to mind. I’ll explain what I mean. I saw on the tram one day a girl wearing a clear belt with English writing that said in big letters “ARE YOU SATISFIED?” I doubt she even knows what that means, but it made me think of that booklet. Since then I’ve heard countless people, whether to me or people in a movie, talk about how to find the “satisfaction” or “meaning” in life. And now I’m reading the book Vanity Fair, which is pretty much a book about how people chase after meaningless things in their life and are never really happy. The back cover has in big letters a quote from the book that says, “Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? Or, having it, is satisfied?” I’m not paranoid when I tell you that this question has literally been bombarding me lately. And when it does, I can’t help but ask that question to myself. Anyone who has asked themselves probably knows what answer I’ve come across.

I don’t know. I should be shouldn’t I? But I think I might not be…Is it bad of me if I’m not??

Does that ring a bell for anyone? Maybe it has in the past, does now, or will in the future, but I think you’d all be hard pressed to convince me that at one time or another you have never doubted your own satisfaction in life. That being said, you may wonder (or if you already know, it may come to mind) what the answer in the little booklet is. In so many words, it says that through our forgiveness in Christ, the grace of our Father, and the fruit of the Spirit, we find our satisfaction. To be sure, it doesn’t claim that you’ll always be happy (because happiness and joy are most assuredly two different things). But it does say that if you believe, you will find your satisfaction in God, and God alone. Now knowing this, you can imagine how it feels to think that:

a. you believe in God, trust in Christ for salvation, the whole deal
b. you should be satisfied
c. you might not be satisfied

Sorry for the list like that, but it may help show you what I’m getting at. Now you may wonder where my doubt stems from. Here are some examples of things that run through my mind. What good have I done here? Why has no one come to know Christ? Am I being selfish with my time/effort? Does God just not want to use me? I don’t know where my life is headed. I catch myself falling short of God’s glory every minute of every day. Being here has made me acutely aware of my sins (when you’re not surrounded by fellow believers it’s not only harder to stay strong, but you finally stop ignoring the sins you’ve had all along. It’s somehow easier to ignore them as long as you surround yourself with “good Christian people”…). I get frustrated with people, cursing them in my heart and in front of other people. I doubt and worry (though not once has God left a prayer or request unanswered since I’ve been here, and before that I’m sure). The list goes on. Recently I even had a dream that has stuck with me. All I remember is that someone told me I was unable to have kids. Now in my dream my concern wasn’t that I wouldn’t be able to have a child one day (which is the logical fear that would follow). Instead all I could think of was that I was barren. That’s the word that stuck in my head. It’s a word I never use. It comes straight out of the Old Testament or something. Lindsey, you’re barren. What a horrible feeling. I woke up and all day wondered about it. Before I went to bed again I asked God to tell me what it meant. I guess I thought I’d have another dream that would make more sense, but as we all know God doesn’t work the way we expect. My next dream was nothing, I don’t even remember it. But I do know that my mind started thinking of my dream in another way. The feeling turned towards a fear that I wasn’t being fruitful. I wasn’t producing anything for God. I wasn’t helping with the harvest, and I wasn’t building the kingdom. I was barren. I don’t understand if it meant that I actually am unfruitful, or if it represented my fear that I’m unfruitful. My heart, on an honest day, leans towards the latter. (This is the first time I’ve ever thought my dream might be more than just a dream. If it’s happened to you, you’ll know the feeling. God still speaks to us in dreams, and I believed that. I just didn’t think He did that with me…I was wrong. I’m not saying you have to believe me, but I am saying that if you were me you’d believe me. I hope that made sense.)

Talk about unsatisfied. The problem is this now: how can I be unsatisfied if I really believe? That can’t be okay. It’s all supposed to work out, right? I’m a veteran Christian. I know the verses, the answers. If you know me at all you’ve probably sense that attitude. I can answer the questions, give advice. I pretty much have it all under control (like so many of you out there. Am I right?) Not necessarily. While most Christians profess with great vigor their total satisfaction in Christ, let’s be honest. How many of you have doubted that very thing you preach to the world? And those that haven’t, how honest are you being with yourself? This isn’t to say that I always feel this way. On the contrary, most days I feel extremely satisfied. But my faith goes through seasons. God is pointing something out to me. He’s using the world around me to point me to what my own heart is feeling. He’s cool like that. The question is: where do I go from here? I won’t even pretend to know the answer to that. But it’s a start. And I’m only sharing this with you in the off chance that maybe you’ve been feeling the same hint from above that I have. Take solace in that you’re not alone. Actually, the fact that you even have those feelings shows just how involved God is in your faith/life/journey (didn’t know which word summed it up best, so I’ll just put all of them). If He didn’t care, He’d be content to just let you go about your life all hunky dory. You may ask, what’s so bad about that? Let’s just say that God wouldn’t polish and sharpen a yo-yo for war. So the yo-yo can just dink around as it likes, but it will never get to be apart of God’s glorious victory in battle. So you can either go through life blissfully ignorant, and be the yo-yo, or, you can be the secret weapon that God busts out to destroy the enemy. But to be the weapon you have to be prepared, which isn’t always an easy undertaking. So take your pick. (Fyi: this is alluding back to a previous entry about a passage I really like in Isaiah, so if you didn’t read it you may want to scroll down and check it out).