Barcelona and breaking up...

I won't be cheesy and quote the opening line from Tale of Two Cites, but for those of you who know it, it couldn't ring any truer than this weekend. For those who didn't know, this weekend I took a petit sejour to Barcelona, Spain. It was kind of a spontanous weekend that Dana and I were going to meet up for, then she couldn't go because of travel time issues, and mirculously she made it (suffering through a 10 hour bus ride both ways...that's dedication). If she couldn't come, this weekend would have been completely different. I'm positive that God brought her there, despite circumstances, and at that particular time because He was once again planning ahead for me. Before I left for Barcelona I was having a rough week, as you might have read. Before I left my relationship status with Grant was questionable and I was waiting on a response from him, so I was a bit on edge, as you can imagine.

The 4 hour train ride was wonderful. I loved having time to read and listen to music and just have some time to myself. When I got there, we searched out our hostal, a very very sketchy one at that. Let's just say that that night three ppl in our group got a lot of stuff stolen (over $1000 worth) because they had a room for just them and someone broke in through the window. Because they had their own room they didn't have lockers for their stuff. (Thank you jenny for making me bring a lock, it literally was a live/money/passport saver...) So that's the hostal, but whatever it didn't much matter. Sleep is overrated anyways. The point is both Dana and I made it and we finally got to hang out. We spent the night cruisin the Ramblas and checking out Barcelona at night. We got caught up and talked and all that good stuff.

The next morning we got up bright and early to be the dorky tourists that we are (8am, so yeah bc of the wonderful americans in my hostal room i got max 3 or 4 hrs of sleep). We had sooo much fun. I can't even describe what it was like. Being in Europe and seeing the sights is one thing, but sharing it with one of your best friends makes it soo much better. We spent 2 hours at the Picasso museam (and we don't like art, but it's fun to pretend like you know what you're talking about and go around critiquing the paintings). I'm not all about cubisim, but I still loved the museam. Then we saw all of Gaudi's buildings, which involved mastering the metro system. Everything was beautiful and interesting and I got to see it all with Dana!! You can check out pics, I should have sent an email. We litterally saw the whole city by 3pm. So we came back and got all showered up and did some devotions together. Fellowship, wow how I miss that. It was definitly much needed.

And then comes the sad part. Right about this time I heard from Grant. I hate to say I knew it was coming, but I did. That might have been a good thing though, because God was prepping my heart ahead of time for the bad news. We are officially broken up, and not with intentions of getting back together. It hit hard. Even knowing it might be coming doesn't change how you feel. You can try and make your heart stop feeling things you don't want it to, but good luck. And here's the amazing thing, instead of being alone in this foreign country with no one to go to, God had already placed a support there for me. Right by my side was Dana. If any of my friends knows how to be there for someone when relationships go bad, it's her. She was so close to not coming, and it was such a random and soon weekend for us throw it all together, so obviously God had a huge part to do with it. We left to go talk with the backdrop of that beautiful city. We sat by the port and talked and cried and talked and hugged. I don't show other people emotions, I'm seriously like a rock. But I broke down, and she was there for me. As much as it hurt, and still does, God has already givin and still gives me a strange peace about it. Dana asked me if Barcelona was ruined now for me, like a bad association. This is what I told her. Barcelona to me is like a mattress. If you fall off a roof and land on a mattress, then the mattress is what cushioned the fall and softend the blow. It's not the mattresses fault you fell, in fact you're thankful the mattress was there in the first place. Barcelona isnt tainted in my mind. So I fell, and God put down a mattress, Barcelona. To be a loser and way overextend the metaphore, he gave me a parachute too, Dana. So yeah I fell, but I'm not down for good.

Talking with Dana made me realize some huge things that God wants me to learn through this whole thing. I wasn't going to write about the breakup at all, by the way, because its very out of character for me to be really personal and open. But I'm learning from this, and why shouldn't other people get to learn with me? They can learn the lesson without the pain. It's the least I could do. So anyways, back to it. One thing I realized (Dana says she's surprised I did bc it takes most ppl a longer time, but thats God for you) was that maybe I don't really already know what God wants for me. I mean, maybe what I think is best really isn't, maybe there's better. In other words, I can't live now like maybe we're broken up now but in the future we'll just get back together and it will be alright. That's not the way to live. I can't rule it out, bc who I am to say what God wants for me, but at the same time I have to live like that chapter of my life is closed and I won't be returning to it. That's really hard to take to heart. Its easier to just wishfully think that we'll just get back together when I get back. I know better than that. He needs to figure out who he is, and I'm not a part of that. The hard part to believe, is that God still has someone out there for me. It's easy to believe that that was my only hope and I messed it up so I've lost my only chance at finding someone. That's a downer, and its soo easy to be all self-pitying like that. But I see that its no way to think, so I'm making an effort to truly believe that God (the same one who has NEVER let me down in the past) will come through in my future. It's times like this that I draw near to God the best, because He's the only one who can really help.

The hardest part is being back, without Dana or anyone else who understands (I balled when I had to drop her off at the bus to come back). The sting is still strong, and I'm still upset. Things didn't end like they should have, and I'm still mad about it and disappointed with him. There's no one here who really understands. I've told one of roomates, Ali. But I'm waiting on the others because this is what they will suggest I do: get totally wasted, and go hook up with a french guy. So they can wait. The wierd thing is the only one in france who knew it might be coming was my french friend Elodie. She told me last week she dumped her bf. It was so random for her to tell me something personal like that. So I had responded with sort of explaining my situation. It was so random, and harder than you think. Its hard enough in english, try french. But it kind of bonded us on a more personal level, like real friends. And shes the only other one here who knows that we actually did break up. I feel like as hard as it might be to talk about, this is going to bring us closer. I told this to Dana, I really think that God is calling Elodie, and I get to be a part of it. Her heart is ready, and she may not know it but God is calling her by name and its time for her to answer. I knew I brought my french Bible for more than church here. Keep praying for the door to open, I know its coming soon. Maybe talking about this will open it. Who knows. God likes to make the absolute most of every situation.

As for me, I go through stages of emotion. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I'm angry then sad then not upset in the least. It's weird. Today I put my ipod on random (all 4500 songs) and you know what it played? That oldies song, breaking up is hard to do. That was ironically funny. I laughed, but then got sad again. It's crazy. The only really bad part is since all last week I've had no appetite and it's taking its toll on my body. I eat badly enough as it is, but I'm still sick from last week because I'm not getting what I need. So pray that I get that back. Don't worry about me though, its clear God has me in his hands. So yes this is hard and sucky, but no I won't die and I will be stronger in the end, stronger in faith. It's funny because I would normally be really mad at God right now, but instead I'm thanking Him with all that I am. Interesting change of heart from my usual self. Maybe I really am growning up...