strange week

Well this week has had an interesting turn of events. Not much of consequence went down on Monday or Tuesday, other than that I went to see Walk the Line, and it was amazing! Gotta love Cash. Anyways, Wednesday rolled around I got my history dissertation back. The professor didn't correct mine, just Elodies (which was good bc mine had more grammer mistakes!), and gave us the same grade. We got a 13/20!! Now that may seem sucky in the states...but here thats in the "bien" category. 14 and above is tres tres bien. Around 10 is bad. And lower than 7 is really bad. Minnesota would convert anything above an 11 to an A. So I was pumped, and so was Elodie. I was more excited that I didn't bring down her grade, but as it turns out we made a pretty good team. That out of the way, nothing much else happened until I did laundry. For some reason me and laundry just don't get along. Last time the machine ate my money. This time, well, it ate my shoes. My favorite euro style tennis shoes were kinda dirty cause it had been raining alot, so I decided to wash them before our big break...bad idea. The machine was a monster and spun so fast you couln't see the clothes or shoes bc they were stuck to the side so hard. When I pulled them out the bottom insules were out and ripped to shreds...tear...I tried looking online for replacements...yeah they don't sell them anymore. So that's a bummer. But at the same time, really funny. Because that would only happen to me. It's my own fault though, I shouldve just been content with dirty shoes...

On a wierder note, my university, along with everyone in France, is on strike. But not the teachers, the students. This means the took out all the desks and chairs and made barracades. They also somehow got ahold of the keys to ALL the buildings and locked everyone out. If that wasn't enough, they had at least 6 students at EVERY entrance keeping people and profs out. So needless to say class was cancled today. The wierd thing is it may go on for 3 weeks, or longer depending on if that CPE law is repelled. The americans are supposed to still be allowed to have thier classes, but I guess not this time around. So...yeah. Not sure what this means. I have a grammer test tomorrow, but maybe I wont...

And finally, this weekend starts travel time. Amersterdam is changed to Brussels. And Strasbourg is now Lyon. Other than that all is the same. Oh and I'm going to Valencia and not Madrid to see Dana!!!! (is that better dana? haha). Pray for safe travel and for my ...eh hmm... budgeting skills. Sorry I havent put the pics up. I'll update all of it when I get back from vaca next week.

Oh and pray for God to uplift my spirits. I'm not sad but I'm not particularly happy. I'm just kinda plateauing right now. Which is okay, but I know things could be better. I'm not all that sure why, cause things are going really well right now. So just pray that God will fill me up with the good stuff! He has started already by sending me lots of well timed emails and such from friends today, so thanks you guys!! It's already starting to help! Okay I'm going to go now, scarey people shouting outside...protesters...haha

Les jeux olympiques!! et les autres aventures

This weekend was CRAZY, and I loved every minute of it. It started with Saturday's trip to Provence, the south east corner of France. We saw the Pont du Gard, an old roman aquaduct, some other old city with a very quaint atmosphere (which will be gorgeous in spring when the fields of flowers are all in bloom!), and le Chateau des beaux, an old medival castle. We spent the majority of our time on the bus from place to place, but it was really cool to get a feel for a completely different region of France.

After traveling all day, I departed, at midnight, for Turino, Italy. Bhavana and I spent the next 8 hours on the bus. It was so full that we couldn't sit next to each other. I happened to sit next to a Romanian man who definitly couldn't speak any english or french. I tried small talk, but as you can imagine it was hard. The only connection we really had was when he accepted a cookie from me with a smile. I thought that was cute. Cookies can transcend language barriers. I slept on and off, almost got left at a rest stop (oops), and finally made it to Turino at 8am. We spent the next 2 hours looking for the olympics. Believe it or not, even with signs everywhere, its not inherently clear where the olympics actually are. They're not downtown, that's for sure. It was freezing, and kind of raining, and we were worried we wouldn't find it. Finally after several unfruitful attempts, and one invite to a rendez-vous from some creepy old man, later and we stumbled upon an info booth. Unfortunately, the sweet italian women were not well versed in english or french. Luckily we could follow along on a map, and I remembered enough italian (with the help of val!) to figure out where to go. The map was our life saver. We finally reached the hockey stadium, saw the gorgeous torch burning bright in the midst of the overcast skies, and entered into what may have been the olympic village. It wasn't much, probably b/c it was raining or a Sunday. But we found a food tent with a british rock band that sang the Beetles and a bunch of Swiss fans were having a blast.

The Swiss. I don't know how to describe them. The best I can describe them is Badger fans. They were decked out in red and white with flags and paint and huge cow bells. It was NUTS. Luckily, thats the team we had decided to root for, because they cheered in french (allez, va suisse!). When we arrived at the Germany v. Switzerland hockey game, we wound up sitting in a section of wealthy looking old german people. They must have loved our face paint. We had an american flag on one cheek and a swiss one on the other and we were cheering pretty loud in french for the swiss, and then talked to each other in english. I bet they thought we were crazy. The game was super exciting, but unfortuantly they tied. It's better than losing though. It was Bhavana's first hockey game ever, and now she loves the sport!

After the game we went outside and it was pouring cold rain. We were freezing. Something about it being the winter olympics didn't clue us into the ensuing weather. We hopped on the tram back to closer to our bus station, illegally (apprently you need a ticket, but no one caught us...oops), and searched for food. By the time we found an open restaurant, we were soaked to the bone. We walked into what was apparently a fairly classy place and the people working there just started at us, soaked and covered in face paint. I would pay to know what they were thinking. Finally the host said in broken english, " Do you...ah...need to eat??" we laughed....yes we do. Everyone had their eyes on us as we sat down at a table next to some business men dressed all nice and next to what might have been an american coach. We were stupid and didn't ask what he was, but he asked where we were from and was really nice to us. For dinner, I had the best pizza of my life, followed by some amazing gelato (italinne ice cream). We strecthed out dinner to avoid going outside. Site seeing was out of the question in that weather. When we finally left, it was snowing, hard. The whole city was covered in snow and it felt like we were in a blizzard. We sought shelter at a blockbuster until it was time to go to the bus station.

The bus back was interesting. We got to sit next to each other, but I didn't get much sleep. They played some al pacino movie dubbed in italien on full volume twice through. I didn't mind not sleeping though, bc it was beautiful outside. We drove through the alps, past quaint villages blanketed in snow. It was breath taking. We also drove past the coast and I saw Monaco all aglow after we left the alps. It was amazing. Because of the bad weather, we spent 10 hours on the bus this time. I didn't get back until 630am. Needless to say I was, and still am, very very tired.

The trip itself may have turned out very differently. Things didn't exactly work out perfectly and anyone else may have had a horrible time. But Bhavana and I loved every minute of it. Every thing that went wrong was just another adventure, another addition to our story. I spent a lot of time doing my "praying thing" as Bhavana calls it. It works, and we laugh because everytime stuff works out I tell her that it's b/c I prayed for it to. So as stuff looked like it wasnt working out she told me to do my "praying thing." In all seriousness though, it seriously, I believe, is the only thing that got us there and back safely and helped us have the time of our lives. Our little spontaneous trip had some divine protection, if you will...and I pray that He will do the same for our week long vacation this upcoming week!

Itinerary (sp?)

So the next few weeks = TRAVELING!!! I'm so excited...anyways here are the places on the list

Saturday 18th= Provence, Avignon (castles and churches, south of FR)
19th= OLYMPIC GAMES in Turino Italy!! Me and bhavana planned a spontanous day trip (which includes 2 all night bus rides to get there sunday and be back for monday classes!) event of the day is Germany v. Switzerland hockey game, and yes we have tickets!!
21st= explore Montepellier finally with Bhavana on our day off
25th= start of Feb break, train it to lyon, FR
26th= bus it to dijon FR
27th= Munich, Germany
1st ish= Brugge Belgium
3rd= Amsterdam, Holland
5th= back to Montpellier!

then...for St Patricks weekend, 17th ish, maybe a trip to Madrid, Spain to meet up with Dana again....

plans are somewhat flexible and subject to change. But fyi, during that weekend and such I may not be in touch much. sorry in advance! but please pray for safe travel, esp for the trip to the Olympics. i miss you all soo much!

Happy Valentine's Day...or wait, that's today?

For a country reputedly so romantic, Valentine's day kinda flew under the rador yesterday. If you're not dating someone here, the holiday doesn't much exist here. Which, I have to admit I kinda like. When you're batting 0 and 20 for years with a valentine, well you can't be expected to look forward to the day very much. But yeah, apparently that was yesterday. I kind of remember in the morning, but it didn't really register till I got a call from one of my favorite people in the world, Miss Valerie. I shouldn't say Im 0 and 20 because she said she'd be my valentine this year which is pretty exciting. The call was nicely timed to because I was approaching the 6th hour of writing my history dissertation...yeah you can imagine my moral at the point. You can't be expected to take much notice of V day when you spend it with Elodie frantically starting/finishing/correcting and finally at my own apartment recopying the entire 7 page (written all by hand!) paper. The worst part is you can't make any mistakes because it can't have white out on it! And the pages you have to use are really 2 attached and you write on them front and back no double space...so lots of room for error. Luckily the prof let me and Elodie combine forces bc I suck at french. Still, I wrote a good half of it all by myself (with her thankfully correcting my grammer!), so I was kinda proud. Oh and if you want to know about the causes of the Reformation, just ask, I know all. Anyways, the point was that what I was going to make a single girls night to watch chick flicks and eat chocolate with the roomies turned into study night...sad. So no Vday celebrations for me. The wierdest part is that it didn't bother me at all. For once I didn't care that I again was single...story of my life. It hasn't phased me like I thought it would. I guess I can thank God for that one. But I guess I'll have to cross my fingers for next year...haha.

Une soiree et le peanut budder...

This is the story of my weekend, a rather interesting one at that. Remember that whole, I don't know that much french still and I feel disconnected from real french life, yeah well thats over. I'm finally connected. It started this Saturday when I took the train to a small suburb outside of the ancient roman city named Nimes. I arrived at train station where I met my first new friend, Gilles. He was one of Elodie's friends from Montpellier and we were both waiting to be picked up by Elodie in her sweet VW something or another. He was really cool, and very energetic. He is fairly proficent in english and is leaving for london in two weeks to get a job and immerse himself in the language, which is pretty cool. We spoke french, even though he knows english, which happend almost the whole weekend, for my sake so I could practice. Elodie picked us up and took us to her cute house in this little village that I can't remember the name of. I got to meet her 15 yr old brother Justin, who was the only other family memeber there for the weekend bc her sister and parents were in Marsailles. He was fun to talk to too, doesn't know that much english, but he loves 50 cents. I asked if he knew at all what they were singing about, of course he didn't. He asked if I liked him and I said no because rap isn't a real kind genre to women, among others. Elodie spent the next 2 hours whipping up a huge stack of crepes, which were delicious. After awhile Amadis and Morgan came for the "fete." Morgan is one of Elodie's good friends that goes to law school in Nimes. Morgan and Elodie both love techno music, blah, and when it played....well lets just they definitly busted a move. Not quite like american dancing, but cool. They wanted me to join, but techno, as many of you can imagine, is hard to dance to if you don't like it or ever listen to it...so I passed...

Amadis is a student at an english university in Nimes, and he loves everything american. This is surprising to find out because I first found out that he hates Bush, capital punishment, gun policy, etc... He loves Marilyn Manson and Nirvana and Courtney Love. He also doesn't believe in God, because he feels like religion is self-medicating and manipulating, the cause of wars and such. You wouldn't think that would give us much to talk about, but thats far from true. He loved asked questions about american culture, and why I didn't like Marilyn Manson. When I explained it was a God thing, that lead into a huge conversatoin about why I believe. He was very open to hear, but not very convinced which I wasnt that surprised at. He thought that all americans are very religious and thats why we voted for a president who enters into religious wars...I explained thats not true, and that no one but God and Bush can know what motives are really in his heart. I also explained that I hate religion, but I have a relationship with God, that was kind of a new concept for him I think. Its a hard convo to have in english with a secular intellectual type, but even harder in french. Elodie listened in for a bit, and I think she liked what I had to say. I found out that she grew up catholic, and by what I can tell still believes even though its not part of her life very much anymore. She always listens when I talk about have a relationship with God, the seeds are there. I hope God will call her to more in her faith. As for Amadis, we had to switch subjects, but I know the seeds are there. I'd explain everything else we covered, but there's too much. I've never seen someone so interested in my culture. I never felt particularly special as an american here, always blessed, but never felt cool. He made me feel like being an american makes you a celebrity. The american accent is appartently really cool too, and I was asked many times to say things with my cool american accent.

This leads me to the peanut butter phenomenom. Elodie had tried some at my apartment and thought it would be fun for her to buy some for her friends to try. They hated it. We put it on the crepes, and I suggested they put it with Nutella (chocolate/hazelnut heaven!). That was worse. Apparently you can't just mix sweet and salty things in france. It's a bizarre taste to them. The french aparently can't say the word peanut butter any better than they like it. It sounds like they are saying peanut budddderrr. I tried to teach them so many times, but no luck. So that was the on running joke of the weekend. So was my saying "fromage" (french for cheese) when taking a picture. I guess they say cheese too, or souri (smile). If you say fromage it makes a big o shape with your mouth, which is kinda funny. Oh and my badger pride is a very foriegn concept. No one here displays their university let alone cheers for it (sports arent so big here). I said in french, "Nous sommes les blaireaux!" (we are the badgers!) and they couldn't stop laughing. I guess in french its an expression to be a badger, which means you're really stupid. So oops, yeah and I got made fun of for that when I changed into pjs and had a wonderful red badger shirt.

By 4 in the morning I couldnt speak any more french. I refused and started speaking english, just for fun. Gilles and Amadis followed a little bit, if I went slow, but the rest were lost. So I had to switch back. But I couln't think or undertand what they said, bc 4am is much to late to converse in french. We got maybe 6 hrs of sleep before Amadis woke us all up to start the day. I couldn't convice anyone to have pb for breakfast, they all claimed it make their stomach's sick, liars...Then we booked it into town to see the sights of Nimes. Unfortunately everything is closed on Sundays, but we still got to see the ancient roman ampitheater that was there. For those who aren't up to date with the history of the south of France, around the time of Christ is was a busseling Roman territory, Nimes being a very important city. So yeah, that means cool old ruins. It was sad to leave, bc I had a ton of fun. But it was nice to get a break from the total french immersion. I need to do that more though, bc it helps sooo much. Oh and I think between people coming and going and meeting and saying goodbye, I got more kisses this weekend than I have in my entire life. Oh the french...

Donnez votre coeur a Dieu

This week was interesting, I'll give it that. But honestly, it wasn't that bad. At least, not like I expected. I have more peace with myself now that I think I have since I've gotten here, believe it or not. God works in funny ways like that. This week, and all it's randomness (breaking up, sight seeing, going to the movies, class, research, protest rally, dinner with elodie, more class, planning travel for the rest of the sem...you get the idea), has been good for me. I'm not upset, not particularly happy, but I'm doing alright. I feel like I should be more upset than I am, but God won't let me or something. You know that verse that says, "Guard you heart for it's the wellspring of life"...well thats I what I did. Before giving my heart to anyone I gave it to God, for protection. It didn't occur to me, I guess, that He'd actually do just that, protect it. He didn't let me give too much of it away, and He didn't let it break, not really anyways. I guess that's what people mean when they say your heart should belong to God first and foremost. I thought I knew what that entailed, but I guess I didn't . It's an amazing thing though, I highly recommend it, seriously. Heart to God first, He'll protect it. Not that things like what happend this week won't hurt at all, because they will, but then again they won't be impossible. It'll be sucky, but strangely faith-strengthening. So if you haven't yet, give your heart to God. That's my advice for the week.

So interestingly enough, when I started this journal site thingy I never intended on writing all that much about God stuff. Not that I'd try not to, but it never occured to me that I'd have that much to say about Him. I figured I'd just be writing about my adventures and stuff. Then, when I started writing, it occured to me just how much God showed up in everything that happend to me here. I couldn't not put Him in here. So don't think I intended this to be all preachy and stuff. I just honestly couldn't leave Him out if I tried (not that I'd want to do that) bc He's like the main character. I feel like I'm just the supporting role in His play. He's the star. As much as I love being the center, I feel like He's doing a much better job than I do when I take over the leading role. So just so you know, this is unintentionally the story of how God is moving in my life. Maybe He's showing me that I should have expected that, or that it should have been that way back at home too, idk. So what I meant to be a simple way of telling you all about my trip is more like me letting you see a glimpse into my walk of faith. Its personal stuff, not my favorite thing to share, but God puts on your heart things to do that you don't always like. So don't just read it lightly, this is important stuff. If I can learn, so can you just from reading it. Learn from my mistakes, and rejoice with me when God gives his blessings. I figured I can say this all now bc if you kept reading this long you obivously want to and you're maybe even getting something from it. If you didn't care at all, you wouldn't have made it past the first couple entries. So congrats on sticking with all my randomness and thanks for caring enough to read. Remember that God may be trying to speak to you too through all of this. I think He likes doing that.

I think I'll leave you with some songs of the week. I've been listening to a lot of Keri Noble, if you've heard her you'll understand why, and a lot of Sara Groves. These are two of my favorites right now...if you don't have them, you should find someone who does and listen to them. Good stuff.


Add To The Beauty
by Sara Groves
We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold
Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside
It comes in small inspirations

It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work
It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth
Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation
Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best


You Are the Sun
by Sara Groves
You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can't be a light unless I turn my face to you

une manifestation!

Une manifestion, or a protest rally, happened to take place in Montpellier yesterday. Believe it or not, I was there! Not just watching, but marching with a crowd of angry students. Don't worry, I don't just randomly protest now, there was good reason. I was studying for history with my french friend Elodie, and she got up to go to the rally. She wanted me to come with. I took one look at my history, blah, and then at her, packed up my stuff, and joined her as we headed to the posh corum district downtown. Earlier she explained to me why the students were protesting. As of yesterday a new law, CPE, was enacted by the president of France. According to this law, if you're under 25 years old then during the first 2 years you work can be fired for NO reason. This law is supposed to help eliminate "chommage" or the people out of work. Unfortunatly, the french business laws are strict and make companies fearful of hiring new people because its hard to fire them if they need to. So instead, they just don't hire people, eliminating jobs. The problem of the law is this, there is a high probablity that it will be abused. Student workers, under 25, are much cheaper to employ bc they have tax breaks. So a company would be tempted to keep the worker until the 23rd month, fire them, and hire a new younger student fresh out of college. Its just a bad idea all around. They want a more fluid economy like ours but this is a bad plan. Once it passes for young ppl, they can pass it for adults too, so a bunch of adults joined in the protest. And unlike the states, if there are bunch of protests for a law, its much more likely to be repealled. So, off we went. I met some of her other friends and we were given lots of fliers. The only thing I could compare it to is a huge football rally or something. I told her this is as close as france comes to a Wisconsin football game. The people were nuts. They sang songs like: (catchy ones that stick in your head!)
Un pas en avant
3 pas en arriere
C'est la politique, du governement!!

One step forward,
3 steps back
That's the politics of our government!

So I marched, pretended to be french, sang, and experinced real french student life. This weekend I'm going to Nimes with Elodie to see her home and stay over to work on our big history dissertation. She had dinner at our apartment last night and we had a blast. She's very sweet, and very helpful for my french! Unfortunately, she is now accustomed to my "american" accent so it doesnt help me work harder on sounding more french. I sound like a french person trying to speak english sounds to us. Imagine that! After seeing all my pics, she thinks my life must be just like the american movies (football games, vacations, down home kinda fun). That made me laugh. I think she really liked that in all my pics everyone wore big WI gear. I think I'll have my mom bring her a sweatshirt like the ones she was so impressed by. I want her to come back and visit with me! Maybe she could go to a badger game!

On a different note, seeing the spirit and enthusiasim of the young french ppl makes me think. If this energy was given to Christ, imagine what could happen! They care so much and they try so hard to change things. What if they were changing the country for Christ? What a revival would be here, it'd be crazy. Pray that one day this will happen!

Barcelona and breaking up...

I won't be cheesy and quote the opening line from Tale of Two Cites, but for those of you who know it, it couldn't ring any truer than this weekend. For those who didn't know, this weekend I took a petit sejour to Barcelona, Spain. It was kind of a spontanous weekend that Dana and I were going to meet up for, then she couldn't go because of travel time issues, and mirculously she made it (suffering through a 10 hour bus ride both ways...that's dedication). If she couldn't come, this weekend would have been completely different. I'm positive that God brought her there, despite circumstances, and at that particular time because He was once again planning ahead for me. Before I left for Barcelona I was having a rough week, as you might have read. Before I left my relationship status with Grant was questionable and I was waiting on a response from him, so I was a bit on edge, as you can imagine.

The 4 hour train ride was wonderful. I loved having time to read and listen to music and just have some time to myself. When I got there, we searched out our hostal, a very very sketchy one at that. Let's just say that that night three ppl in our group got a lot of stuff stolen (over $1000 worth) because they had a room for just them and someone broke in through the window. Because they had their own room they didn't have lockers for their stuff. (Thank you jenny for making me bring a lock, it literally was a live/money/passport saver...) So that's the hostal, but whatever it didn't much matter. Sleep is overrated anyways. The point is both Dana and I made it and we finally got to hang out. We spent the night cruisin the Ramblas and checking out Barcelona at night. We got caught up and talked and all that good stuff.

The next morning we got up bright and early to be the dorky tourists that we are (8am, so yeah bc of the wonderful americans in my hostal room i got max 3 or 4 hrs of sleep). We had sooo much fun. I can't even describe what it was like. Being in Europe and seeing the sights is one thing, but sharing it with one of your best friends makes it soo much better. We spent 2 hours at the Picasso museam (and we don't like art, but it's fun to pretend like you know what you're talking about and go around critiquing the paintings). I'm not all about cubisim, but I still loved the museam. Then we saw all of Gaudi's buildings, which involved mastering the metro system. Everything was beautiful and interesting and I got to see it all with Dana!! You can check out pics, I should have sent an email. We litterally saw the whole city by 3pm. So we came back and got all showered up and did some devotions together. Fellowship, wow how I miss that. It was definitly much needed.

And then comes the sad part. Right about this time I heard from Grant. I hate to say I knew it was coming, but I did. That might have been a good thing though, because God was prepping my heart ahead of time for the bad news. We are officially broken up, and not with intentions of getting back together. It hit hard. Even knowing it might be coming doesn't change how you feel. You can try and make your heart stop feeling things you don't want it to, but good luck. And here's the amazing thing, instead of being alone in this foreign country with no one to go to, God had already placed a support there for me. Right by my side was Dana. If any of my friends knows how to be there for someone when relationships go bad, it's her. She was so close to not coming, and it was such a random and soon weekend for us throw it all together, so obviously God had a huge part to do with it. We left to go talk with the backdrop of that beautiful city. We sat by the port and talked and cried and talked and hugged. I don't show other people emotions, I'm seriously like a rock. But I broke down, and she was there for me. As much as it hurt, and still does, God has already givin and still gives me a strange peace about it. Dana asked me if Barcelona was ruined now for me, like a bad association. This is what I told her. Barcelona to me is like a mattress. If you fall off a roof and land on a mattress, then the mattress is what cushioned the fall and softend the blow. It's not the mattresses fault you fell, in fact you're thankful the mattress was there in the first place. Barcelona isnt tainted in my mind. So I fell, and God put down a mattress, Barcelona. To be a loser and way overextend the metaphore, he gave me a parachute too, Dana. So yeah I fell, but I'm not down for good.

Talking with Dana made me realize some huge things that God wants me to learn through this whole thing. I wasn't going to write about the breakup at all, by the way, because its very out of character for me to be really personal and open. But I'm learning from this, and why shouldn't other people get to learn with me? They can learn the lesson without the pain. It's the least I could do. So anyways, back to it. One thing I realized (Dana says she's surprised I did bc it takes most ppl a longer time, but thats God for you) was that maybe I don't really already know what God wants for me. I mean, maybe what I think is best really isn't, maybe there's better. In other words, I can't live now like maybe we're broken up now but in the future we'll just get back together and it will be alright. That's not the way to live. I can't rule it out, bc who I am to say what God wants for me, but at the same time I have to live like that chapter of my life is closed and I won't be returning to it. That's really hard to take to heart. Its easier to just wishfully think that we'll just get back together when I get back. I know better than that. He needs to figure out who he is, and I'm not a part of that. The hard part to believe, is that God still has someone out there for me. It's easy to believe that that was my only hope and I messed it up so I've lost my only chance at finding someone. That's a downer, and its soo easy to be all self-pitying like that. But I see that its no way to think, so I'm making an effort to truly believe that God (the same one who has NEVER let me down in the past) will come through in my future. It's times like this that I draw near to God the best, because He's the only one who can really help.

The hardest part is being back, without Dana or anyone else who understands (I balled when I had to drop her off at the bus to come back). The sting is still strong, and I'm still upset. Things didn't end like they should have, and I'm still mad about it and disappointed with him. There's no one here who really understands. I've told one of roomates, Ali. But I'm waiting on the others because this is what they will suggest I do: get totally wasted, and go hook up with a french guy. So they can wait. The wierd thing is the only one in france who knew it might be coming was my french friend Elodie. She told me last week she dumped her bf. It was so random for her to tell me something personal like that. So I had responded with sort of explaining my situation. It was so random, and harder than you think. Its hard enough in english, try french. But it kind of bonded us on a more personal level, like real friends. And shes the only other one here who knows that we actually did break up. I feel like as hard as it might be to talk about, this is going to bring us closer. I told this to Dana, I really think that God is calling Elodie, and I get to be a part of it. Her heart is ready, and she may not know it but God is calling her by name and its time for her to answer. I knew I brought my french Bible for more than church here. Keep praying for the door to open, I know its coming soon. Maybe talking about this will open it. Who knows. God likes to make the absolute most of every situation.

As for me, I go through stages of emotion. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I'm angry then sad then not upset in the least. It's weird. Today I put my ipod on random (all 4500 songs) and you know what it played? That oldies song, breaking up is hard to do. That was ironically funny. I laughed, but then got sad again. It's crazy. The only really bad part is since all last week I've had no appetite and it's taking its toll on my body. I eat badly enough as it is, but I'm still sick from last week because I'm not getting what I need. So pray that I get that back. Don't worry about me though, its clear God has me in his hands. So yes this is hard and sucky, but no I won't die and I will be stronger in the end, stronger in faith. It's funny because I would normally be really mad at God right now, but instead I'm thanking Him with all that I am. Interesting change of heart from my usual self. Maybe I really am growning up...

Spoke too soon

I really should have waited until today to write my entry. I knew better. All that stuff I was stressing out about here, God once again took care of right on schedual. I went to my history disc with Elodie and she went up with me to talk to the prof. I have no idea what she said b/c she was talking so fast. But whatever it was, he seemed to not really care. Afterwards she explained to me that she told him I was an american student and the work load was too difficult to keep up with (all my research is university level library books...kinda tough) so she suggested we prepare together and have one set of notes each week for each topic (b/c here you have to research and take notes before you go to class...). He said that was fine. She also told him that I wouldn't be able to do the pop oral dissertations like everyone else because I don't know the language well enough. He said it was fine if I didn't do it. He could really didnt seem to care about anything. Don't think I'm just trying to slack here, this class would literally be impossible if Elodie hadn't stepped in to help me. I don't know this system or language well enough to be held to the same standards as the french students here, but even though I get a break I still have a ton of work to do each week. Only now its not impossible and I have a friend to study with who helps me more than you know. After class she even hung out with me while I waited for my next class, giving me lots of pratice speaking french which I loved. She even looked over my notes for the oral presentatoin I was doing for my civ class and she corrected the grammer for me. It was easy for her of course, and she thought my mistakes were cute because they're mistakes her 10 yr old sister would make. I was like wonderfull...but I laughed too. It's true, if you don't grow up with it, the things that come naturally to them are still a struggle for me. I was joking and told her she should come to class with me b/c she would be the best student compared to all the americans. She was so cute and said if I wanted her to she would. I was like no don't worry, I wouldn't make you suffer too. Right now she's coming over for dinner next week to see my apart and meet the roomies. I think she and I are really going to be good friends here, which is so cool. Then I went to my class and had to give my presentation, a good chunk of my grade. It went fine, though. We showed a slideshow of pics and I think that did it. Teachers always love visual aids. When we finished she said it was exactly what she wanted us to do (even though we were bums and read right out of our notebooks). Which we were very relieved to hear because for one she never told us what she wanted and for second we treked out there in the miserable weather and had a wretched day. So thats over with which is awesome.

And here's the best part of the day. I was planning on seeing Dana in Barcelona this weekend and was really bummed earlier this week to hear she couldn't make it there. I really need to see a familar face and talk to someone who really understands me. Then last night I talked to her and she's coming! Now even though she's in Spain, she has to take an 8-10 hour bus ride to get there, and then another on the way back. So for a weekend visit thats not really worth it. But she left last night (skipping some classes too) and will be there until Sunday morning. So I'll get to spend Friday night through Sunday with one of the coolest people I know. Its exactly what I need right now, and she's coming despite the fact that its not worth the trouble for her to come. That's why she's so awesome (Dana I love you!). I just really need this weekend to unwind and get my mind off somethings for awhile.

God has been doing huge things for me here, but I still find my self stressed and worried when I shouldn't be, esp about people back home. It's hard to not be there and feel like you have no idea what's going on. You can feel really disconnected, esp when you don't hear from people (ik not everyone, thank you to those who I do hear from, it means a lot to me!). But I need to learn to not worry about that because I let it interfere with my experience here which isn't good. So it's time to take a step back and let it all go. God will take care of everyone back home, not me, so its time I let Him. It's funny though, I thought my challenge would be here, but it's not, it's home. This place is not a struggle for me, God takes care of it and I let Him. It's the things I can't control that bother me, like being so far from everyone. But like the things here, it's time I just give them to God.

Malade...

This weekend was one of those that really makes you want to just be back in your bed at home. A cold front swept through Europe and instead of a blizzard we got freezing rain. Not drizzle, downpour, for two straight days. On saturday when it started, I got this wierd cold. I had the chills, headache, cough, fever...you know, the works. It was miserable. I was more cold than I've been in my whole life, or so it felt. Sunday I still felt horrible so I missed church b/c I still wasn't sure where it was and treking out in the rain with a cold didn't seem like a wise idea. But unfortunaly I couldn't stay inside all day. Today I have an oral presentation in civ class, and Sunday I had to go research. Me and two girls went to the neighbooring city, Lattes, to check out the museam. We missed the bus there and had to call a cab. The museam was incredibly boring. We were done two hours before the bus came so we wondered around the whole city and everything was closed b/c it was sunday. I was soo cold. Finally we found a cafe and waited till the bus was almost here. By the time I got back I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I was so sick. Most of my cold is gone but the cough is still here in full force. Yesterday when I met with my new friend Elodie to go over history she informed me that while we only hand in one full blown dissertation, we have to prepare to give one orally every week! It takes like 3 hours min. to prepare, with both of us splitting it up. She offered to go with me to explain my situation to the prof. I don't know enough french to take a detailed outline and give a real dissertation in front of the class. She even said that if I was called on to go today she'd take my place! This is seriously the nicest person I've ever met. She cares so much about me and hasn't know me for more than a week. I'm so blessed we became friends last week in discussion. Hopefully that will work out. And hopefully so will my other presentation for civ today. Art history I won't even be alive for by the time it rolls around. This week has been super stressfull. I've been trying to prepare to go to Barcelona with all this hw on top of it plus being sick. This is definitly pushing me over the edge. I've had so many mini freak out moments where I have to litterally step back take a deep breath and ask God to calm me down. He always does, but He always waits till I bother to ask, which I do a lot more these days.

Here's a song I've been listening to by Sara Groves that is amazing and very uplifting:
Kingdom Comes

When anger fills your heart, when in your pain and hurt
You find the strength to stop, to bless instead of curse
When doubt infloods your soul, when all things feel unjust
You open up your heart, you find a way to trust

That's a little stone, that's a little mortar
That's a little seed, that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and daughters
This kingdom's coming

When fear engulf's your mind, says you protect your own
You still extend your hand, you open up your home
When sorrow fills your life, when in your grief and pain
You choose again to rise, you choose the bless the Name

That's a little stone, that's a little mortar
That's a little seed, that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and daughters
This kingdom's coming