loving God

One of the things Dana and I talked about in Spain was about how we see God. It’s so easy to think of Him as just a father (at best) or distant like a judge (at worst). But God wants an even deeper relationship than that. Not that the love of a father isn’t amazing or what we need. But he wants to add another kind of love, one that often freaks us out. This isn’t a new idea, but it’s worth repeating. Dana asked right out, “Do you think of Christ as your lover?” She didn’t say friend, father, counselor (all good things). She said lover. I didn’t feel like lying that day (I’ve felt like lying or putting up a front less and less these days), so I said no. She asked why. I said I don’t want that. Why wouldn’t I you may ask. Well to be honest, taking my relationship with Christ to that level entails things I don’t feel like dealing with, mainly because I’m selfish and lazy, but also a little bit afraid. To those who are given more, more will be expected. So I’d rather be more like a child, still justified in my own mind for holding onto this world and my own life more than I should, than like a lover who must completely give her heart away. Christ wants complete and utter honesty from us, like I’ve been told (this is not my forte here) husbands and wives expect from each other. He wants our whole heart. No unfaithfulness. No adultery. He wants us as his bride. But not a damaged and unclean bride, a pure and spotless bride. Now this is often used in Churches and among Christians, but how often to we really think about it. Christ loves us like a lover. Like your soul mate, with a perfect love. Think of whoever this person is in your life (or in the future will be), how much do they love you? With what kind of love? For some its an enormous crazy kind of love. Now imagine God feeling the same way about you, only more! Not in a far off kind of way, but in an intimate way. You scared yet? Cause I am. This is what God wants me to accept from Him, and He wants it in return. I think part of the reason I haven’t grown much in awhile (spiritually that is) is fear. Yeah it’s really cool to have that in your life…but…that just makes life so much harder (not actually, it is actually easier, but by harder I mean I’m not the one in control, which for me seems like it would be harder). I feel like Dana has or is close to reaching this point (of course I can’t really know). You can tell when people are in love. Likewise you can sense when they are in love with their savior.

Dana and I talked about it and she pointed out what may be my biggest stumbling block. As it turns out, my obstacle is also one of my gifts from God himself! Funny how that works out, the whole strength / weakness deal again. God gave me reason. He made me logical, rational. I always was a math girl, a problem solver, a mental organizer, a philosopher (haha). I like to think about things, and then categorize them neatly in my head. I like to work out problems to their rational solution. It’s what I do. It’s a gift from God. Someday He’ll teach me how to use it for Him and not just myself. But anyhow, that presents a problem for me. I want the world to be rational. I want God to be rational. I want my relationship with Him and His love to be logical. But God is above the reason He gave me. He is irrational. His love for us is incomprehensible, illogical. You see where I’m headed? If I accept it, I’m getting myself into something I can’t understand. That doesn’t sit well. Even when I read the Bible I have to figure out what every verse means. Those in my Bible study know this to be true. Have I ever just been honest and let a verse remain a mystery to me, something to be awed and amazed by? No. That’s not how I like things. That’s why God didn’t make me a poet. Things need an explanation, not mystery. So God or Christ being my lover, too irrational. I can’t earn that kind of love, and I feel like I ought to. That might be a problem down the road I suppose, feeling like you have to earn love from another person cause it will just leave you feeling like you don’t deserve them or their love when you should just accept it and return it. A father’s love, well that’s easier. They have to love you, it’s like their job. They love you even when you suck at life. It’s like that country song. But the other kind, I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. But He doesn’t want me to. “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 40something:10) doesn't not say sit and figure me out. It orders our awe of Him…hmm

Anyways, the point is, well I guess there isn’t really a point after all. I suppose these are just thoughts, ideas. Take from it what you will. You must all think I’m more bizarre than ever by now…haha. That’s good. It’ll teach you from thinking I have it all together. I may always want to have the answer, but I don’t… Love you all!