a friday not soon forgotten

This was a Friday night that I won’t easily forget. But isn’t that always the case when God shows up in a big way? It’s easy to overlook Him in the minor details of life (though we shouldn’t be so complacent in our ingratitude), but sometimes He makes it clear that He is here and He is in charge. This is a weird entry to write about because those involved will probably be reading it (so if that’s you –I love you two!).

Anyways, back to what happened. Christina, Bhavana and I were just chillin in my apartment that night, doing I don’t even know what. Christina was on the phone with her boyfriend, and the night was winding down to an end. It was already 12ish and I knew Bhavana would probably be heading out soon. I didn’t want to forget to give her the book I wanted her to read, so I grabbed it from my room and gave it to her. I already gave Christina (already a Christian) a copy of Blue Like Jazz, one of my favs, cause I thought she’d really connect with it. For Bhavana, I had Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. That may seem like an odd choice, seeing that she’s Hindu, but here’s why. This girl has asked me more questions about Christianity and what I believe than any other non-believing friend I’ve ever had. Her curiosity is genuine and I never feel like I’ve given her the whole picture about what God and Jesus are all about. So…because she’s a smarty (and C.S. definitely writes to the intellectual sort), I thought that book might give her a good idea of the basics (or at least as close as you can get without reading the Bible itself). Now in all honesty I don’t know why I brought that book to France. I’ve already read it. I also didn’t want to give it to her. But I had a feeling I ought to, despite my seemingly better judgment. All of our God conversations before were like that. She had a question; she brought it up. I didn’t want to talk about it, and I definitely wouldn’t have brought it up. This is contrary to what I also imagined I would do in relational evangelism. I always pictured myself prepping and sticking the conversation out there; you know, me being the hero. No, this is not the case. God started it every time, and He used her to do that, not me (like I always assumed had to be the case). So that in mind, here is what happened.

I put the book on the table and she looked at it. After awhile she asked me straight up, “Are you trying to convert me?” What do you say to that?? Well not in those words, I thought, but if by convert you mean I someday want you to see the truth and believe it yourself and have your own personal relationship with your savior…then I guess the answer is yes. So I answered honestly, “Yeah I guess.” (I know that's a wonderful response, one of many more to come…) She was a little surprised, all of her other Christian friends never actual admitted that. So…what then? I would have dropped the subject, but then came the questions. Not the easy ones, but the hard ones. Eventually Christina’s phone call was over and she joined in. By 8am we were still talking (that alone is a miracle). This is where each person is at.

Christina is a Christian, in that she believes in God and Jesus. But she discovered that night (after I answered questions straight from scripture, of which she hadn’t heard before), that she doesn’t believe in the Bible. In her mind, the whole hell/Satan bit doesn’t make sense with a loving God. Even if with free will that means we have the choice to not choose God, she doesn’t understand why God doesn’t (if he’s also all powerful) just save them anyways. I said that a person who chooses that they don’t want God wouldn’t enjoy heaven because heaven is really just the being in the presence of God for eternity and Hell is the absence of it. So if you don’t want God, even if you were in heaven it wouldn't be a heaven. That wasn’t cutting it for her. So she discovered that she believes in her own God, one that fits the mold she wants to see him as, and the Bible is just not for her. You can’t imagine the grief that made me feel. God a la carte is no God at all. We can’t fit Him into boxes. He is the supreme comfort, but also the supreme terror (C.S.). God wanted us to choose to love him so that our love would be real! In terms of spiritual warfare (which I believe in whole heartedly though I know Christians, Christina being one of them, who are doubtful), the demon of feel-good lies was there in full force. I felt him. I prayed against him. My spirit was worn out. I felt attacked (not by her, she was and has been only kind to me even when we disagree (thank you for that by the way), but by the lies that surrounded her (this everyone may not agree with, but if you were me you would have felt it).

Bhavana is at a different place. Like I said before, she is Hindu, something I know close to nothing about. But I discovered that she believes there is one God out there and she thinks He even loves her (Bhav you don’t know how amazing it is that despite it all you have come to believe this when so many Christians aren’t even at that point, and that's a gift from God even if you don’t see that yet); she even talks to Him sometimes. That brought me more joy than she knows, and even kept my spirit from feeling totally hopeless at the night’s conversation. The problem was this. She couldn’t accept Jesus and salvation because that would mean, if I’m right about this whole redemption thing, that all of her loved ones aren’t saved and would then be going to Hell. She told me that even if I’m right after all, she would honestly rather be in Hell with her family than in heaven alone. My heart cried out for her! She didn’t say that just to avoid Christ, but she said it with a genuine grief. Her face and expression and even tears spoke for her. I could see in her heart (well God let me know anyways) that deep down she desperately wants to believe –because that entails so much joy. But at the same time, she just can’t because that would be like condemning all those she loves to hell. To want to believe so bad but not be able to because of fear for loved ones is a situation I will never be able to fully understand. I wanted so bad to be able to feel for her on her level, but who am I kidding? I don’t know the least bit what kind of sadness she must feel. Her demon was fear. Fear that by accepting Christ she’s abandoning her family. This demon did not relent. I felt him in my soul.

Another issue came up for Bhavana, and when I hear it I cringe. Her experience with Christians (esp missionaries) has been anything but Christ-like. In the part of India where her family comes from, the missionaries convert the Hindus for money. In other words, for every convert they get, they get paid. So they go to the poor and hungry and offer some food or money if they convert. What choice do they have? They convert just to get fed, and the missionaries get paid. Now trust me I know that this is not typical. But doesn’t it make you cry out? We are supposed to be the light of the world, the salt of the earth, the feeders of the hungry, the caretakers of the oppressed. God did say that some would call out to him in the end and say Lord, Lord! And He will say, “I never knew you!” Those who use Christ as a pretext for their own agenda, watch out. Christ is not advertising tool, political advocate, money maker. He is our Lord. If we misrepresent Him to others, if our hearts are not truly in it for Him, He will judge us for that when the time comes. People like Bhavana who grow up with this don’t see the love of Christ. All the Christians in her life have told her she’s going to Hell, but how many of them have told her that she was preciously and wonderful made? Did they tell her that Christ loves her unconditionally in a way no human can rival? Did they not just tell her, did they love her?

If we are the Body, why aren’t our arms reaching? Why aren’t our hands healing? Why aren’t our words teaching? Why aren’t our feet going? Why isn’t His love showing?? Jesus paid much too high a price for us to pick and choose who should come. We are the body of Christ. (casting crowns song).

I can’t describe what it feels like to know that in your very kitchen a battle is being waged. (I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Momma brought me Piercing the Darkness and I just finished reading it. It describes spiritual warfare in a real way going on in this world, and lets just say it makes you think, and pray). Not that its not other times, but to know exactly what’s happening is hard, especially when you know you’re losing. My spirit was wounded and weak. My prayers seemed useless (I know that’s not true, but its easy to fall prey to doubt and hopelessness). God was there, of that I’m sure. He was there in a huge way. Walls crumbled. People saw into their hearts. They saw what they really believed. They discovered what their heart desired. I discovered my own ineptitude. I was unprepared and I knew it. My prayer coverage for that moment was horrible. How often had I forgot to pray for them until now, and even after this I forget! I haven’t been in the Word, I let my sword get dull. But thankfully God uses us in times of weakness! He showed up even though I was caught unprepared. He didn’t need me to be. How amazing is that? My prayers weren’t there, but I know the spirit was interceding for them anyways. It’s a good thing God doesn’t need us. But it's a blessing that He still chooses to use us. Crazy. I reached the point where I had nothing to offer so I just got my Bible and read, mostly from the sermon on the mont. There’s nothing like the words of Christ to do what you yourself can’t. I feel the urgency for these girls, God is moving now and He’s not being secretive about it. God wants their hearts, their whole heart. All they need to do is let go. But like we all know, that is the simplest and still the hardest thing of all. For those who read this, you know that all I ask for right now is your prayers.
PS. The thing that started it all, the book, is still at my apartment. Bhav decided not to take it. So when I assumed God wanted to use the book (as in its contents), I was wrong. He only wanted the title. The book wasn’t the important part, it was the conversation that it sparked. Isn’t that always how God does things? Never like you predict.